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Love is pain (1/1)

TITLE: Love is pain

PAIRING: Callie/Erica of course!

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Grey’s Anatomy are property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes.  No copyright infringement intended.

SUMMARY: This story is set after Callie’s confession to Erica.  The episode left us without any real answers as to how Erica dealt with it. 


I know I said okay when Callie came confessing to me that she had sex with Mark Sloan today, twice apparently. But I’m far from okay with it.  The truth is, I didn’t know what else to say to her.  I couldn’t have said anything else because her admission cut deep through my heart.  It left me breathless for a few seconds.  So I said “okay”, like it was the most normal thing to do when your girlfriend tells you she had sex with a man just after having sex with you.  I don’t even know if I can call her my girlfriend.  I have no idea where we stand anymore.  I got a page after her confession, so we couldn’t talk more.  When I finished with the patient, she was already gone. So I went home, alone with my thoughts, alone with my pain.  I don’t think she knows how much she hurt me today.  Her admission of having slept with Sloan didn’t hurt me as much as her leaving me in the morning when I confessed to her I’m gay.

 

How could I have been so stupid to let my guards down, to let her see me vulnerable?  How could I have thought she’d be there for me when I’d fall?  Maybe because I believed she felt something for me too.  Once again I learned my lesson not to let people come close to me.  Because each time I let them, they break me.  It’s like I told Bailey today: nobody likes a girl who gets emotional.  Nobody likes Erica Hahn.  Callie was my person to go to when I was troubled, Callie was my only person…  At work they all think I’m an emotionless bitch, but if they only knew.  I’ve heard the names they are calling me “McBitch”, “Attila the Hahn”, “Ice Queen”, “Cardio Bitch” and so on.  If only they knew that Erica Hahn is not like Dr. Hahn, if only they knew that Erica Hahn isn’t the Cardio Bitch she is at work.  But like I told Callie, I don’t make friends easily, so they’ll never know.

 

I swallow down tears that are threatening to spill.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  I’ve cried so much today already.  I just want this pain to stop.  Before I knew Callie, I was used to being alone, I loved it. It’s all I ever knew. But now I tasted friendship, I tasted Callie and I’m addicted.  And I have no idea what the cure is for this addiction. 

 

In the background I hear a song playing.

 

Love is noise, love is pain

Love is these blues that I’m singing again…

 

If they only knew that what they are singing is true.  Love is pain, and noise and everything they sing about. But love is also a necessary part of the heart to keep it beating.  I realize that now.  Maybe that’s why my heart is beating so out of control right now.

 

When I close my eyes, I can still feel Callie’s lips on my body, I can still feel her touch…

I have to stop this.  Somehow I have to find a way to build back the walls that were around my heart before Callie broke them down. But the truth is, do I want to build them back?  Do I want my old life back?  A life void of any warmth, void of any friends but filled with loneliness?  I immediately know the answer: NO.

Suddenly it strikes me that Erica Hahn is no quitter and doesn’t wallow in sadness. Erica Hahn isn’t afraid of a challenge and loving Callie definitely is a challenge.  Sitting here in the darkness and crying isn’t going to make things better.

 

Just as I get up from the sofa, I hear knocking on the door.  I glance at the clock and see it’s past midnight.  There is only one person who’d come knocking at my door at this hour.  Slowly I open the door to reveal a dishevelled looking Callie.  If her looks tell me anything, she has been crying like me these last hours.  Her eyes are swollen and red.  She is shivering.  I motion her to come inside.  Hesitantly she enters my apartment.

 

Together we go and sit on my sofa.  She still hasn’t said a word and neither have I.  But somehow the silence isn’t awkward.

 

“I know you said okay when I told you about Mark, but I know it’s not okay”, she softly says.  She looks at me through teary eyes.  I see she’s on the verve of crying.

“I’m sorry I ran out on you this morning, I’m so sorry, Erica”, and she starts crying, “I understand if you can’t forgive me, but Erica…”

And then my dearest Callie, my sweetheart, completely loses it and starts sobbing.  Even though she hurt me, I can’t stand to see her this broken.  So I take her in my arms and together we cry for what happened.  I whisper to her that I forgive her.  I whisper to her that I love her.  The sobbing stops and she looks at me.  I see fear in her eyes, but I also see pain and love.  I know my eyes reflect the same. 

“We’ll be okay, Callie, we’ll be okay”, and I kiss her on the lips.

 

And as I say it to her, I know it’s the truth.  We’ll be okay.  Even though love is noise and pain sometimes, love is also an unbreakable bond that keeps two people’s heart beating.  Our journey will be rocky, but I know that as long as we face the obstacles together, we’ll get back on track if we get off.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
xtoothfairy
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
This is wonderful. I really think this is along the lines of what Erica must've been thinking during and after that last scene.
This sentence especially was heartbreaking: Nobody likes Erica Hahn.
sapphicwarrior
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
I thought that too. Well, I'd feel totally broken if something like this happened to me. Glad you liked the story. Thanks for commenting :-)
clouds9
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
This is lovely.
sapphicwarrior
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
thank you :-)
burningeden
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
GAHHH!!!!

Why don't you kill me!?! Good lord, that was good! Erica said she loves her!! I loved this.

THIS? Is how that episode should have ended. I wish they'd put this in the beginning of the next one!

So good.

So so so good!

Thank you for this.
sapphicwarrior
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
*blushing furiously...*
thank you so much! Such a great comment coming from one of my favorite writers... wow...
x0xmarie0x0
Nov. 3rd, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
This is beautiful...and it's what was really going on, on Erica's head after the ''okays'' scene...

Well done !!
slburn05
Nov. 4th, 2008 01:19 am (UTC)
Very nice. I like that you have Callie realizing and caring about what she did and how much she hurt Erica by walking out.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )