Sapphic (sapphicwarrior) wrote,

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Fanmix: Losing love (1/1)

TITLE: Losing love

AUTHOR: sapphicwarrior

PAIRING: Callie/Erica of course


SUMMARY: Callie is confused…

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Grey’s Anatomy are property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes.  No copyright infringement intended. 

NOTE: This is from Callie’s POV.  Though I really wish she didn’t test any theories with Mark, I think the lyrics of this song apply perfectly for how she’s feeling right now.  It’s a bit sad again.  Not really feeling very happy today, so I’m not in the mood to write happy stories.    This is slightly spoilery again, so beware.

SONG: the song is called “Losing Love”, from Milk Inc.  The lyrics to that song don’t belong to me, but to them.

To Callie music had always been a way to help her get her feelings sorted out.  The lyrics helped her vocalize things she couldn’t say out loud.  She searched through her cd collection and found the cd she was looking for.  It had been a long time since she last listened to it.  Well, it had been a long time since she last felt so confused too.  She put the cd in and let the music fill the apartment…


All these words inside my head

No I don’t know whom to choose

Should I stay with what I have

Have I got something to lose


Even after all these years, she still knew the lyrics by heart.

All these different things I feel, no I don’t know what to trust. Can I know which one is real, can I know which one I’ve lost…”, she quietly sang.


She felt a lump in her throat and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.  The only person she could talk to about how she was feeling, was the person who was causing her to feel like this: Erica.  She felt more tears coming up when she thought about her best friend.  She really should blame Addison for the whole situation, as she was the one who pointed out that they seemed like a couple.  Then Erica had kissed her and she had kissed Erica back.  And then the whole thing got awkward.


Am I losing love, can I give enough

Am I losing love, I’m losing you

Am I losing love, can I give enough

Am I losing love, I’m losing


All these different souls I’ve touched

No I don’t know right from wrong

Did I hurt their hearts so much


“Will I know where I belong”, Callie cried out.


She really didn’t know where she belonged anymore. When she wasn’t with Erica, she missed her. But when they were together, she totally freaked out.  She didn’t know how to do this.  She never had feelings for another woman before.  Because that is what she felt for Erica, feelings, not just attraction, but she actually felt something and that scared her so much.  It’s not that she didn’t like gay people, she just didn’t see herself as gay.  She was never attracted to women before, so she couldn’t be gay, could she? And then she thought about how most people find it all wrong when two people of the same sex fall in love. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to endure being labelled as “gay” by others. So she turned to the only other person in Seattle Grace she had: Mark Sloan.  She told him about her doubts and insecurities and asked him to “show” her how to make love to Erica.


All these different things I feel

No, I don’t now what to trust

Can I know which one is real

Can I know which one I’ve lost


She knew she had used Mark again, solely for the purpose of trying to figure out where she belonged.  The sex with Erica in the on-call room afterwards had been great.  It hadn’t been awkward, but it was full of passion and promises.  Promises that she had broken again. She had promised Erica she wouldn’t turn to Mark anymore, but she had…  And now she had probably lost the only chance of happiness with Erica.  She knew she’d tell Erica about Mark as soon as she saw her.  The one promise to Erica she wouldn’t break, was the one of honesty. So she’d tell Erica she tested a theory with Mark. And if Erica asked what that theory was, she’d tell her that she’s gay…


Am I losing love, can I give enough

Am I losing love, I’m losing you

Am I losing love, can I give enough

 “Am I losing love, I’m losing you…” Callie whispered overcome by guilt and fear.


A knock on the door woke startled her.  She looked at the clock and realized Erica’s shift had ended 30 minutes ago.  She got up and opened the door, realizing that the next minutes would define the rest of her life.

Tags: callie/erica, fanfiction

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