TITLE: Without you…
RATING: NC-1. warning: there is domestic abuse in this story!
DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.SUMMARY: This is AU, it’s been in my head for a while. A famous singer falls in love with a woman. It’s a love that is looked upon and has to happen secretly until something happens…
BETA: Thanks for my wonderful and amazing beta mar_chel !! You totally rock!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The journey is coming to an end for Callie and Erica. Will they live happily ever after or not?
Links to previous parts:
part 1: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/35601.htm
part 2: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/36180.htm
part 3: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/36754.htm
part 4: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/37565.htm
part 5: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/38211.htm
part 6: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/39663.htm
part 7: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/40086.htm
part 8: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/40970.htm
part 9: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/41401.htm
part 10: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/42314.htm
part 11: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/42829.htm
part 12: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/43757.htm
part 13: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/44617.htm
part 14: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/46779.htm
part 15: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/47260.htm
part 16: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/48005.htm
part 17: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/48834.htm
part 18: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/49147.htm
part 19: sapphicwarrior.livejournal.com/49318.htm
Callie looked dumbfounded at the blonde woman standing before her. Erica was an FBI Agent? Why hadn’t she told her? Why had she lied to her? Was everything else a lie too?
“I can explain, Callie”, Erica tried.
“I’m all ears”, Callie simply said.
Erica went to sit beside Callie. This was the moment she had feared from the moment she had felt a connection to Callie, this was the moment she’d have to break the other woman’s heart and her own heart too. This was the moment where two lives would be shattered.
“I’m Special Agent Erica Hahn. I’m working at the Headquarters in
“So us meeting in yoga wasn’t an accident? You came there to meet me to get close to Jason?”
“You used me to get to Jason?” Callie asked with disdain in her voice.
Erica looked up. She saw the pained look in Callie’s face. “No. I never got close to Jason because I got too close to you. Against better judgement I fell in love with you. I couldn’t get close to Jason because I was falling in love with you. I wanted to get close to you and not Jason.”
Callie was crying. “You used me, Erica. I gave you my heart and you used me.”
“No, Callie, it wasn’t like this. I didn’t use you. I tried to get you away from Jason, even if it would harm the case. My feelings for you weren’t a lie. You have to believe me. I never wanted to lie to you, but I just couldn’t tell you who I am. That would have been too dangerous for you. I didn’t want you hurt.” Erica was openly crying now too.
“Guess what, Erica, you hurt me more now than I could ever have been hurt if you had told me.”
“I’m sorry, Callie, please, I’m so sorry”, Erica begged.
“You lied to me, I trusted you and you lied to me. Please go.”
At that moment the door to Callie’s room burst open and Agent Darnett and a few others came rushing inside the room. They ignored Callie and immediately went to Erica.
“Special Agent Hahn, please hand over your gun and your ID”, Agent Darnett said in a stern voice.
Erica did as she was told. She didn’t bother to hide her tears. As far as she was concerned, she had just lost everything important in her life: her career and Callie.
“You are suspended until the disciplinary hearing and you’ll fly back to DC this evening accompanied by two of my agents.”
Erica could only nod. “Could you give me a moment with Ms. Torres? We were in the middle of a private conversation before you came bursting into her room.”
“You got 5 minutes.”
The agents left the room and Erica and Callie were left alone again.
“Disciplinary hearing?” Callie asked. Even though she was mad as hell at the woman in front of her, she couldn’t help it and reach out to support her.
“Yes, a disciplinary hearing. I ignored orders from Director McKinney and I jeopardized the mission by falling in love with you.”
“What will happen to you now?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care. Probably a suspension, but I’m resigning anyway.”
It was silent between them for a few moments.
“I’ll go now, Callie”, Erica said in a tear strained voice. “Don’t ever doubt my feelings for you. I love you and I will always love you. I’m sorry I lied to you. I hope you can forgive me one day. Don’t forget me. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t regret a single thing I did. My only regret is lying to you. Take care of yourself, my sweet Callie. You’ll always be in my heart.”
Erica could feel her heart literally breaking. Never before had she felt such heartache. With each step she took towards the door, she felt herself fall apart more and more. She put her hand on the doorknob and looked at Callie one more time before opening the door and leaving what she considered the love of her life.
“I’m sorry for all the pain and hurt I caused you. Goodbye, Callie. I’ll never forget you.” She couldn’t say anything more, she was completely broken. She closed the door and dropped to the ground. She couldn’t control her sobs anymore and she started crying uncontrollably. For the first time in her adult life, she let go of all the feelings of hurt she felt inside.
The next few days passed in a blur for Callie. Physically she was healing well, but mentally she was a wreck. Everyone thought it was because of what Jason did to her, but no one knew she was dying inside because of what Erica had done to her. She wanted to be mad at her, she wanted to, but each time she closed her eyes, she saw Erica’s tear strained face and heard her sobs. Erica was hurting just as much as she was. She was torn in two. She was missing Erica terribly, but she simply couldn’t forgive her, not yet.
Her mother tried to reach out to her, as did Carlos, but she shut herself off from everyone. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, she just wanted to be alone and try to deal with what had happened to her.
Anna had a clue of what was wrong with her daughter, but she didn’t want to push Callie, so she waited until Callie would tell her herself. She knew Callie wasn’t hurting because of what Jason had done to her, she knew Callie was hurting because of something Erica had done to her.
Callie had told Carlos to cancel all her concerts for the next two weeks, but one: a benefit concert for an organization called “Against Abuse”. Being a victim of abuse herself she just had to perform at the benefit. It was all over the papers what Jason had done to her, so she was obliged to go, to show her support to other women who were in the same situation.
She couldn’t believe she had let herself be abused, be beaten by Jason. She had always considered herself as a strong, independent woman. Now she felt like she was only a shell of herself. She didn’t feel strong or independent anymore. She felt weak and hurt and she missed Erica like crazy.
She was sitting in her lounge backstage. She looked at her watch and noticed she had only 15 minutes left before she had to perform. For the first time since she had started singing, she didn’t want to sing. She didn’t want to put on a happy face and pretend she was happy. She just wanted to stay in her lounge and enjoy the solitude. She didn’t want people around her anymore because people only hurt her, she had only hurt her.
“No, that wasn’t true”, Callie thought, “she hadn’t only brought hurt, she had also brought friendship and love but now all that had stayed behind was the hurt.”
She sighed. She had no idea how to cope with the loss of what she considered the love of her life. She had no one to talk to about it, simply because no one had known about them. She missed her with all her heart and not a minute passed without a reminder of her in something she heard or saw.
No one even knew she was a lesbian, so even the confused feelings inside her were to stay inside her own head. Her life would have been so much easier if she hadn’t been a famous singer; but she is and she couldn’t go back to the anonymous person she had been 5 years ago. Maybe it was time to come clean with everyone. If they didn’t buy her records anymore because she was a lesbian, then maybe it was time to go back into the land of anonymous.
Suddenly, she knew what she had to do, something she should have done a long time ago.
She got up when she heard the announcer.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to present a singer who’s not only known for her fabulous voice, but also for her participation in several well known causes, as for the benefit this evening. Here is….. Calliope.”
Before she went on stage, she gave a CD to the DJ and told him to put this music on instead of the song she was supposed to sing.
She went on stage and took a deep breath. She put on the biggest smile she had and was astonished with what little effort it took. It was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders now that she had taken the decision. She felt like she could handle anything, even if what she was about to do didn’t bring her back, she would feel at peace with herself. No more lying, no more cheating, just honesty.
“Heellloooo!” she yelled to the audience, “how are you all doing?”
Whistles and cheers gave her the usual answer. Everyone felt great and was ecstatic to see her.
When the audience had calmed down, she started her intro.
“I have a new song I want to sing for you guys. It’s a song I wrote after someone left me,” she paused a little.
She felt tears whelming up in her eyes. As she heard the first notes of the music, she whispered, “Erica, this is for you.”
It was barely audible what she had said but every person in the room had heard it. When the first notes of the song started, it was dead quiet in the room.
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
She’d never forget the last time she had seen Erica’s face, and the pain it had shown. Her tear-filled blue eyes looked so lost. Erica had the bluest eyes she had ever seen. And when she was happy they lit up even more. But that last night her eyes had been filled with pain and sorrow and regret. Regret for things that happened and regret for things that would never happen again.
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
It was time to let Erica know what she should have known all this time. So, with all her heart, all her heartbreak and emotions, she put everything she had into the next part of the song.
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
She continued the rest of the song with a teary voice. All the while imaging Erica’s beautiful face. When she finished the song, she was so overcome with emotions, that she didn’t notice everyone was standing up and applauding and cheering for her.
“Thank you”, she managed to croak out before she left the stage.
Backstage her manager was waiting for her.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he yelled at her, “Why did you change the song? And why were you singing a love song for Erica?”
Just before finishing his last question, the truth dawned on Carlos.
“Leave me alone, Carlos. I’m going to my lounge and I don’t want to see anyone,” Calliope said while marching to her lounge.
“Callie…” Carlos called after her, wanting to help his friend.
She turned around and looked at him with an anger he had never seen in her eyes.
“Don’t call me Callie, only she can call me Callie, only Erica calls me Callie,” Calliope cried and ran to her lounge.
On the other side of the country Erica had been feeling just as lost and hurt as the
“I’m saving you the trouble of suspending me or firing me. I’m resigning. If the FBI starts treating one of their own like a criminal, it’s time to leave”, Erica simply said to her boss.
“Agent Hahn, you can’t just resign the FBI. There are procedures for this.”
“Try to stop me. I’m resigning and that’s final. It’s something I should have done much earlier already. You’ll get my resignation letter first thing in the morning. They…” She pointed at the guys from the
She left the office just as quickly as she had come in.
Erica spent the next few days making arrangements to sell her apartment. She wanted to make a fresh start and she couldn’t do that here in DC. She had no idea where she wanted to go, but she had to leave DC. She had to close this part of her life. She had some savings, so getting a new job wasn’t too urgent. She had liked the West Coast a lot when she was staying in LA, so maybe she could head there again. The weather was nice, the people were nice and Callie was there. She didn’t want to think about Callie because each time she did, it broke her heart a bit more. But Callie was all she seemed to be able to think about. It was hard to ignore the thoughts in her head as Callie was all over the news for days. It was big news that Calliope’s boyfriend had been abusing Callie and was a drug dealer too. At first she refused to watch any items on TV who were Callie-related, but she wanted to know how Callie was doing, so curiosity got the better of her and she tried to watch every report made of Callie. She found out all her concerts were cancelled, all but one, a benefit for an organization called “Against Abuse”. The concert was in 4 days. She took out her phone and dialled the airport.
As it was a last-minute decision, she was only able to get a VIP-ticket to attend the concert, but she didn’t care. She had to be there to support Callie, even if Callie wouldn’t know she’d be there. She just felt she had to be there and as a former FBI Agent, she had learned to not ignore those hunches.
As a VIP-guest she could go backstage, but she had thanked for that offer and had instead chosen a table in a quiet corner, but with a perfect view of the stage. She hardly knew any of the other singers and even if she had known them, she wouldn’t have paid any attention to them. She had come solely for Calliope.
Suddenly she heard the announcer’s voice saying “Calliope…”
She sat up straight and when she saw Callie get on the stage, her heart stopped for a second. She immediately saw through the happy face Callie was showing. Callie was still hurting from what happened, both Jason’s attack and her betrayal.
She heard the crowd get wild when Callie asked how everyone was doing. When she heard her say she’d sing a song she wrote after someone left her, the hairs in the back of her neck stood up.
She saw tears immerging in Callie’s eyes.
“Erica, this is for you”, she heard Callie whisper.
She thought she had heard wrong, she couldn’t have heard her name, she must be dreaming things. But when she heard the whispering around her, she knew she had heard right. Callie was singing this song for her. She felt every eye of the room on her, but she knew she was just imagining things. No one knew she was Erica, no one knew her here. Her heart broke when she heard the emotion in Callie’s voice. And when Callie was so broken at the end of the song that she could barely continue singing, she was crying together with Callie. She wanted to take her into her arms and hold her and tell her everything would be okay, that they would be okay, but she knew that was a lie. She didn’t know if they’d be okay. Maybe she could use that backstage pass after all…
Callie was crying uncontrollably on the couch in her lounge. She wanted Erica back, she needed Erica back. Despite everything that had happened, she still loved Erica. She heard the door to her lounge opening. She looked up to see who was there.
“Carlos, leave me alone”, she said through tears.
But Carlos ignored his friend and he went to sit beside her on the couch.
“Calliope, mija, you loved her a lot, didn’t you?” he softly asked.
“I still love her”, Callie cried.
Carlos put his arm around Callie and comforted her. He didn’t know how he could have been so blind to have missed this. He knew now that Callie’s depression since Jason’s attack had little to do with Jason, but everything with Erica. From what he had heard, she had been an undercover FBI Agent to follow up closely on Jason and she had been the one to arrest him. And then she had disappeared.
There was a tentative knock on the door.
“I’m sorry, sir, but the press is forcing for an interview with Ms. Torres or her manager concerning the… situation”, a security guy said.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes to talk to the press”, Carlos said. He knew Callie was not fit to do an interview or give a statement right now.
The security guy nodded and closed the door again.
“I’ll come with you, Carlos, I’ll give a statement. I own it to my fans, they have a right to know”, Callie firmly said.
“Are you sure, Calliope?”
Callie nodded. “Yes, very sure.”
Thirty minutes later all the press had assembled in the conference room. Callie took a deep breath before entering the conference room and be asked a hundred questions. All the cameras in the room started flashing when she seated herself.
Callie looked at the journalists before starting to talk to them.
“I will not answer any questions, I will give you all a statement, but no questions will be answered.”
No one talked, they all waited for Callie to begin.
“My ex-boyfriend Jason Taylor physically abused me several times during our relationship. The last time being two weeks ago when I ended up in the hospital. In the beginning it didn’t happen frequently but towards the end of our relationship, it happened more frequently. Two weeks ago Jason hit me because I broke up with him.”
Callie looked at the journalists in front of her. She could all see the question no one dared to ask on their faces. This was it, this was the moment that would change her life forever. Even though Erica was gone from her life, she knew she could never be with a man again.
“I broke up with Jason because six months ago I met someone who’d become a good friend and later more than just a friend. She became my confident and my lover. She made me realize I’m gay”, Callie said in a firm voice while looking at the journalists.
Gasps could be heard throughout the room. Cameras were flashing like crazy. Suddenly the door to the conference room opened. Callie’s breath caught in her throat when she saw a flash of blonde hair appearing.
“Erica?” she whispered.
All the heads turned to the back of the room to see who had entered the conference room. Cameras started flashing even more as the journalists realized who had just entered the room.
Erica had to scrunch her eyes against all the flashes coming her way. She didn’t even look at all the journalists coming her way or all the cameras flashing at her. She had only eye for the
Callie thought she was dreaming. Erica was here, her Erica had come back to her. She stood up and slowly walked towards Erica. They met in the middle of the room and stood silently in front of each other.
“I’m sorry, so sorry for everything, Callie”, Erica whispered.
“I love you, Erica.” Callie closed the gap between them and brought her lips to Erica’s. She didn’t care they were surrounded by a room full of journalists, she only cared about feeling Erica’s lips again on hers. For the first time in two weeks she felt whole again, the part that had been missing was back. Her soul mate was back and this time Callie wasn’t planning on letting her ever leave again. Erica was here to stay. Erica is the one she’d spent the rest of her life with.
“I love you too, Callie.”
A/N: Thank you all for sticking with me in this alternate universe I created for our favorite couple. I enjoyed writing it a lot, so I hope you enjoyed reading it too.Thank you all for the nice comments :), they made me very happy.
I'm sorry for the messed up lay-out of this post, but LJ is being a serious pain in the ass and I've tried like 10 times now and each time the lay-out comes out looking like this... I hate you LJ today!!