Sapphic (sapphicwarrior) wrote,
Sapphic
sapphicwarrior

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Warning signs (1/1)

TITLE: Warning signs (1/1)

AUTHOR: sapphicwarrior

PAIRING: Callie/Erica

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

SUMMARY: I wrote this ficlet for the community challenge. It's Callie's POV.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.


“””I’m staring ahead into empty space. My life has become an empty space ever since you left me standing at the hospital.  You walked away from me, never to be heard of or seen of again.  That was two months ago.  Two months in which I’ve analyzed every moment we ever shared together. And each time I come to the same conclusion: I missed the warning signs you gave me and I missed the warning signs I gave myself.  Maybe you weren’t the only one in need of glasses, maybe I need glasses too, just to see the warning signs, like you had to see leaves.

 

I was so focused on the fact that you were a woman, that I never truly enjoyed our time together as lovers.  I was madly attracted to you, correct that, I’m still madly attracted to you, but the fact that you are a woman scared me to death. It scared me so much that I became the person I never swore I’d become: a lying cheater.  When I told you about sleeping with Mark and you just said “okay” and then avoided to look me in the eyes, I should have seen that as a warning sign that things weren’t okay, that you weren’t okay, that WE weren’t okay. But I missed it, I was so focused on myself, that I ignored your feelings. 

 

You told me you were gay and I just went away, I couldn’t even be your best friend anymore then. That hurts me more then anything: I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.

 

I started looking for excuses for my behaviour, I told Mark I wanted to test a theory, I blamed you for going too fast. But not once did it occur to me that the only excuse I had for my behaviour was me, just plain old me. I was the one who cheated, I was the one who freaked out, I was the one so confused that I didn’t think straight anymore.

 

Straight, now that’s a word I used to identify myself with.  I got straight A’s in high school, then straight A’s again in med school, I went out with guys so I was straight… but then I met you and suddenly the word “straight” seemed foreign to me. All I could think about was you, is you. The truth is Erica, I miss you so much, so very much. I can’t live without you. I miss the laugh you only gave me, I miss the twinkle in your eyes when you looked at me, I miss the way you brushed your hand against my arm, I miss your blue eyes who told me so much about you, but most of all I miss my best friend. The friend I shared my dreams with, my laughs, my hopes, my fears…

 

Why didn’t I see any of the warning signs? How could I have been so blind? Me turning to Bailey of all people for advice on “the motherland”, that should have been one hell of a warning, instead I was so freaked out that I completely embarrassed myself in front of Bailey. I realize now that I should have come to you to talk about my fears. Instead of enjoying our first date together, I could only think about “the local cuisine in the motherland” and “that I might not like it”.

 

When you told me that I was your glasses, I should have seen that as a warning sign too. I should have told you then that I didn’t know yet “what” I was but that I cared about you. I should have told you that I felt frightened that you could already tell that you were a lesbian while I was still freaking out. But Erica, I’m not freaking out anymore now. I’m gay, lesbian, homosexual, whatever you wanna call it, but I know two things for sure: I’m not straight and I’m in love with you.

 

I’ve gotta tell you what state I’m in, and it’s not a good state.  My heart aches so much from missing you, that I’m afraid I’ll have permanent damage to it. My eyes are red and sore from all the crying I’ve been doing, it’s a wonder I have any tears left.  At night I lay awake remembering your kisses, your touch… Sometimes it’s like I can even feel you there.  Maybe I’m going crazy. And I’m so tired, I should not have let you go.  I should have run after you that day, I should have run after you to tell you that I don’t care anymore if I’m a lesbian, to tell you that I love you and can’t live without you.

 

But I didn’t do that, so I’m left with this empty space that has become my life since you left me.

 

I only want one thing and that’s to crawl back into your open arms and feel your heart beating again in rhythm with mine. I’ll keep hoping that one day that will happen. Until then, I’ll try to live into this empty space filled with memories of you.

 

I’ll love you now and forever my sweet Erica,

Yours always, Callie

 

P.S: If you should wonder how I got your address, blame Yang, somehow she got and gave it to me. ”””

 

***************************************************************************

A knock on my door one evening startles me.  Reluctantly I get up and open it. I stop breathing and I blink my eyes because I can not believe you are actually here. You are standing on my doorstep with open arms.  I don’t think twice and crawl into them.  I feel your arms engulfing me.

 

“I got your letter,” you whisper in my ear.

 

I feel the empty space filled with memories of you, disappear and be replaced with the real you, the real you who is hugging me right now and whispering sweet things in my ear.  I decide right there that I’ll never miss a warning sign again, even if I have to start wearing glasses to see them.  I’ll never miss another warning sign in my life.

Tags: callie/erica, comm: event, fanfiction
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