?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

One last time (1/1)

TITLE: One last time

AUTHOR: sapphicwarrior

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Grey’s Anatomy don’t belong to me but to ABC and Shonda Rhimes.  No copyright infringement intended.

SUMMARY: Title says it all, one last time…

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a massive tear jerker! I cried like a baby while writing this.  If you don’t want to cry, don’t read it.  Really, it’s sad, very sad, heartbreakingly sad even.

The song is from Sara Ramirez and is called “Know my heart”.

I knew that when I walked away that night that I would probably never see you again.  I knew that when I said “I don’t know you at all”, that I didn’t mean it. I knew that when you said that you can be kind off a lesbian that you meant it.  I knew when I felt your eyes burning on my back as I walked away that my heart would be broken forever.  I knew you’d be broken forever.

 

When I first saw you in Seattle Grace Hospital, I had no idea you would have such impact on my life.  When I first saw you, I had no idea you’d become the person who would finally break through the walls around my heart.  I had no idea you’d treat my heart with so little care and break it. Break it till there was nothing left to break.

 

Even if I had known all this before getting to know you, I still would have wanted to get to know you. Simply because these months we were friends and then more, they were the best of my life.  Even if I ended up broken and alone, I still wouldn’t have wanted to miss them.  You made me feel again.

 

I close my eyes as I remember your chocolate brown eyes and your beautiful smile.  You had this smile that you only used around me.  I called it your “Erica smile”. When you were nervous you started rambling and I found that utterly adorable.  The speech you gave me on our first date was hilarious. You talked about some motherland and a safe word.  I had no idea what you were talking about.  When you gave me that special Erica smile and asked shyly if we could go second base too, I fell in love with you all over again.

 

The first time we made love, it was awkward for both of us, but it was so sweet.  I had never been with a woman before.  But when I made love to you that night, it felt natural, it felt like coming home after a long trip.

 

I lift my arm to try and touch my lips.  I want to scream out in pain, but I can’t.  I try to remember the softness of your lips, the softness of your touch. 

 

As I lay here in the cold floor, I realize that life is slipping away from me and that I will probably not see you again.  I thought my heart couldn’t break any more, but I was wrong.  It breaks my heart that I will never be able to apologize to you, or tell you that I love you, or see your beautiful eyes again.  It breaks my heart that you’ll be left alone to deal with the pain.

 

I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t know you.  I know you, I know you better then I know myself.  And I was wrong when I said you can’t be kind of a lesbian, because you can.  I love you so much.

 

As I feel myself being pulled into darkness, I remember a song I heard on the radio.  The singer reminded me so much of you that I completely fell in love with her music. I wish I had the strength left to write you a note to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you.

 

I see in your eyes that you still love me as who you knew when we first met

So I’ll see you in the light and we’ll begin back at the start

And I’ll spend eternity with one who truly knows my heart

Finally I’ll be eternally with one who knows my heart

 

But most of all I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for walking away from you, for walking away from us.

 

Suddenly I hear voices, they are yelling things I can’t understand as I’m drifting away to a place where it doesn’t hurt anymore.

 

I try to keep my eyes open.  I see chocolate brown eyes, just like yours.  I see curly brown hair, just like yours.  I feel a touch on my face, just like yours.

I hear a voice yelling: “NOOOOOOOO…”

It’s then that I realize that it’s you, it’s your eyes I see, it’s your touch I feel.

 

“I’m sorry”, I manage to croak out.

I hear you say that it’s okay, that I did nothing to be sorry about and that I’m going to be okay.  I want to believe you. There is still so much I want to tell you. 

 

I hear you yell at the paramedics that they’ll have to hurry or that you’ll break each bone in their body. If I still could, I’d chuckle at that. Now I simply look at you and try to convey all I want to say with my eyes.

 

I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to tell you everything that’s on my mind. I don’t know if I’ll see you again after I close my eyes.  I can only hope I’ll get a second chance, that we’ll get a second chance.

 

I look at you one last time before I give in into the darkness and slip into unconsciousness.

 



Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
caddieluver89
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
i dont think it was incredibly sad, i mean it was sad but i think theres also room if you wanted to continue it... not that you have to... of course i would love you to keep going with it and turn it into something happy since we got the crappy end of the bargain on the show... but it was lovely, beautiful... heartbreaking definitely
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
my mind is already working on something...
alenidasdi
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:43 pm (UTC)
oh. my. god. i am no longer the only person to kill erica hahn!!! but at least i said what happened!!! what happened to her????? i kind of got the impression that maybe she did something to herself...i think it was the talk about her laying on the floor and wanting to write a note. good god. this was sooo sad but sooo good! oh, and i'm gonna NEED a sequel b/c you left it open... :-) puh-lease???
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
I'm already thinking about writing something from Callie's POV as a sequel. I had no idea when I started writing this fic, it would turn out with Erica's "maybe" death...
gargyloveswolfy
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
Maybe, if this was what happened...I could understand....cry as I am now...but, I could understand it..........but, ABC (arses) just fired Brooke and gave us the most God-Awful explanation in TV History.
elatxc
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)
oh wow beautiful but as caddieluver89 said exactly what I would have said I will say.....

....Exactly what she said!!! If you felt the urge to continue to something happy I wouldn't complain - no pressure tho ;)
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
the urge is starting to come...
spotlesssky
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
It's sad.... My eyes were flooded with tears when I read the line "I'm sorry." Noooooooo, don't kill her please!!
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
mine were flooded with tears while writing it...
novak_benson
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
*Sigh* I love your writing, it's great. This is great as a stand-alone, but I wouldn't say no to a sequel. Heh. Hope you wrote more soon.
novak_benson
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Ugh, hope you *write* more soon. Effing typos.
reefermadniss
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Very nice!
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:21 pm (UTC)
thank you :)
whitelder
Dec. 9th, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
their are fics around (not callica) of Sara (CSI) cutting her wrists and catherine finding her and saving her...
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 9th, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC)
Think I read one of those.

Erica didn't kill herself... Don't think she'd do that.
I'm writing a short sequel now, so it'll be clear what happened to Erica.
xtoothfairy
Dec. 10th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
*sniff* She's not really dead right? She's just unconscious right? She'll wake up?
punky_96
Dec. 10th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
very well written. i like that erica knew she had so much more to say. sorry there's a `but' i'm no fan of dead erica... still very well written!
sapphicwarrior
Dec. 10th, 2008 05:52 am (UTC)
i'm no fan of dead Erica either. Cried so much while writing this. Already wrote a short continuation of this story...
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )